:: Thursday, July 24, 2003 ::

The Brak Blog is one.

The Brak Blog is also now here:

[click if you aren't redirected]

Brak Blog 2.0
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:02 AM [+] ::
...

This is the final post on blogger. I'm not going to port this to the archives on my new site, its a one time deal. If you readers get to this, its basically just my parting words on Blogger.

-Blogger

All the other kids used Xanga, but I used you.
All the other kids 'eProps', but I had advanced template control.
All the other kids "Xangas" crumbled to the power of my Blog.

Blogger, you kick ass and I thank you for the entire year of reliable service.

That being said, the blog moves tomorrow, so, see you tomorrow.

See you space Blog.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 7:34 PM [+] ::
...

I am such a moron.

En route back home from Driver's Ed, I was less than a block away from my house, when I decided to practice riding my bike 'no-hands' style. Good one Tom.

Then the handel bars twisted to suddenly for me to correct, and I fell down. In addition to the front reflector breaking off my bike, I now have sliced-up hand heels, a bruise on my right calf, and a bruise just to the right of my *insert euphanisms for crotch*. In hindsight, that last one could have been a lot worse, but I guess I'm alright for now.

In memory of my incident, class, your assignment is to download REM's 'Everybody Hurts' and imagine me joyusly riding no-hands, and then being thrown from my bike and getting run over by a truck. That would have been so much cooler then just falling in the dirt, getting up, and limping home...

Today Tom was not a Cowboy.
Today Tom was an idiot.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 3:24 PM [+] ::
...

Fuck a DUCK!

I'm trying to make instant Macaroni and I'm pullin the powder cheese bag off the noodle bad and the cheese bag rips open the noodle bag!!!! Macaroni noodles went everywhere. On the floor, under the microwave, behind the stove... it was horrible.

I put the ones under the microwave and on the floor back in the bowl and they're cooking right now. I said to hell with the ones behind the stove, I'm not that hungry. I hope our 'wave wasn't like leaking radiation out the bottom though, cause glowing green macaroni just does not sound appealing to me.

In addition, I made a flamethrower, but more on that later.

Macaroni's *look at me I go all over the kitchen* shenanigans tremble before the power of a Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:41 AM [+] ::
...

Hello everyone. Here is another sad [as in pathetic] entry. As of late I haven't been good about keeping a blog list, so anytime I get like 3 things, they magically appear here.

Yesterday in drivers ed we watched yet another movie that was made before I was born. It had all kinds of crazy stuff like talking crash dummies. One of which was voiced by the person who voiced garfield on that old Garfield TV show. That in and of itself was weird, but in addition they had a segment about driving while drunk.

In this part they had all the tests to see if you were drunk or not. One was counting backwards from 100 by 7's. WTF? It can be done, but geez. Not easy. Think that's bad? The other one was to say the alphabet backwards!! I couldn't do that if I was more sober than a brick...

wait a sec, that doesn't make any sense... bricks don't know the alphabet.

You know who does know the alphabet though? Little kids playing with the telephone. The other day the phone rings and I pick it up and I'm all like 'Hello'. Then this little kid says 'Hello'. I say 'Hello' again and she says 'Hello' back. About now I'm getting a little ticked, because this could go on for hours and I'm wasting time that could be better spent sitting on my ass.

To break the cycle, I go: 'Well, who is this?' The kid says 'Mia' all cute like. After about 10 seconds of scilence I say 'Do I know you?' She says 'I dunno.' 15 seconds of nothing. Then Mia pipes up: 'Here's a grown-up' and some chick comes on 'I'm sorry we have the wrong-' *click*

I just spend a good 2 Minutes of my precious time for a wrong number call. Don't give children the phone, they just cause problems.

After the phone incident though, I discovered a much better mode of comunication. InternetRelayChat, or IRC, is like my new favorite thing. To put it simply: IRC was what you used for chatrooms before AIM, or MSN, or Yahoo were even invented yet. It's gaurenteed to bring out your nerd side in that 'good' sort of way. Not the evil one where you hack and destroy peoples websites [not cool].

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to try and organize something with Isaac [god of landingclouds.net] and see if we can't use his server to host an IRC chat for the masses at some point. It'll be cool, trust me.

Something else that is mondo cool was the movie 'The League of Extrordinary Gentleman'. I had some doubts about this movie, it kinda had 'Big-Expensive-Flop' written all over it and I was scared LXG would be to Sean Connery as Holywood Homicide was to Harrison Ford.

LXG was not the case though, it was actually really cool. The characters really kinda make the movie, but the plot holds together fairly well too, which helps. First we got Sean Connery: Bad-Ass adventure man. Then we have Vampire Chick. She got caught up in that business with Dracula, so now she sucks blood and turns into bats and neat stuff like that.

The invisible man is a funny, sarcastic man, and I laughed at the thought that anytime you couldn't see him, he was walking around completely naked. [good thing he was invisible... *shudder*] Can't forget Tom Saywer. He's grown up in this movie and works for the U.S. Secret Service. I totally dug that.

Next is Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde. This dude should have his own movie just because he's such an interesting character. In addition there is Mr. I-Can't-Die, who is invulnerable to eveything, which I found to be very cool. Captain Nemo rounds out the lot with his totally bitchin ship and his arm of turban-dudes.

Obviously I didn't take any of their names to memory really. I was to distracted by all their mad powers. So they movie goes along pretty quick, it has decent plot twists, and if the end was any more obvious, then they would have had to put the word SEQUEL on the screen.

That's about all I've got today. Go see LXG, open your heard to IRC, and don't drive drunk or else you'll turn into a talking crash dummy.

Cowboys are the most Extrordinary of all Gentleman.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:46 PM [+] ::
...

Nothing huge. 10 days until the move. Get excited damnit.

Today I was riding back from driver's ed part one, the morning session, and the strangest thing happened. I was jamming to the 'No Disk' album by the Seatbelts, and about to go down a giant hill, and this lady who's car is parked in the middle of the street, waves me over all crazy like.

'What the Hell?' I think. Upon removal of the headphones and crazy woman explaining what the deal was, I understood. Turns out there was like a spider thing in her car. She was mondo freaked about spiders so she needed me to squish it. I did, and she made me show her the guns and stuff to be sure [yuck]. Anyway, she thanked me, told me I had good Karma coming, then drove off.

'Whatever' I said. The rest of the ride home wasn't near as eventful.

In other recent news, I loathe the fashion industry. They're little by little poisoning each one of our senses.

Sight

Damn fashion magazines and makeup. Everything has to look pretty.

Sound

All that pop crap? Yes. It is in fact funded by the fashion industry. Everything has to sound pretty.

Touch

All the billions of lotions out there? I could fill a swiming pool with my collection of hotel lotions... Everything has to feel pretty.

Smell

Perfume and Cologne [now refered to as 'colon' out of blatent disrespect]. There's a good idea: We can't bathe regularly, so lets cover up our bodily stench with an absurd amount of overly sweet/sour smelling CRAP! Everything has to smell pretty.

Taste

Skin-Seasoning. Pretty soon you'll be able to flavor your skin. Why? I'll tell you why. You know those big kiss scenes in movies and stuff like that? Where they're practically biting eachother's mouth's off? Well now its only going to get more dangerous, cause your skin could taste like a turkey dinner, or worse: McDonalds! Everything will soon have to taste pretty; PH34R!

So that's about it for the list. I don't make this shit up, really, I don't!

Yesterday in the noble and righteous quest to procure shoes from Kohl's, I was looking at legos. What can I say? I love Legos. I played with Legos yesterday. Those little plastic blocks kick ass! Anyhoo, at the store they had these new sets of legos. As of recent, Lego Corp.® has gone all sell out. NBA, Harry Potter, etc. [They should have stopped with Star Wars]. These new ones though, were all retro. They had a theme, like 'flying' or 'construction crap', but nothing specific. They showed all the different stuff you could make on the box and it was really cool. That's how legos used to be when I was little, and I'm glad they've gone back. The sets are good, but random assortments aren't half bad either.

Finally, the music segment. M30 Productions, the lable that brought you such classic hits as J. Hesch's I am the Rockford, brings you another breakthrough in music history. Only our lable had what it took to join classic artist M.C. Hammer, and new-age rapper E. Dawg Struby together to create a classic. Years down the road, your children will be listening to this song. Mark my words. Without furthur ado:

E. Dawg Struby- Awww Snap

Please, listen responsibly.

Cowboys will one day destroy the fashion industry.
Babies will laugh and women will frolic.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 3:52 PM [+] ::
...

Hello people. Welcome to my Nightmare.

As of recent, I've been inducted into the satanic cult that is Driver's Education. I was incredibly hyped for this class at first, but now, my oppinions have strongly changed. Over the past week of annoying videos and that pain-in-the-ass teacher, I've compiled a vast list of crap I hate. After that I'm going to talk about how my week got better in the middle. Then maybe I'l bitch and moan a bit more and we can all get on with our lives. ^_^

Todays video had the white dude from Miami Vice (please excuse the blatent racial referance. I never watched miami vice and have no idea who the hell these cops are). Anyhoo, this guy was totally a wanna-be McGuyver. and McGuyver kicked ass. The dude in this video did not. My mom said he got pulled over for drunk driving a while back. I figure they took advantage of his celebrity-ness and made him do this dorky movie for community service. Fucking G-Men always get me down.

Next is the segments I like to call 'Morons at Ford'. Imagine that old show growing pains. Now pretend that on this show, Ford Motor Co. had monopolized the automotive industry (that fscking 'Boardwalk' will be the death of us all). This is where this story is set. Basically, hip, cool, Driver's Ed teacher Mr. Gerard teaches hip young kids in the ways of driving. After you get past the hilarity of the blatent Ford Co. advertisements [IE: Focusing on a Bronco in the background for a good 5 seconds before panning to the action], these ones really suck. The kids are stupid and the teacher talks like he invented the damn Highway Transportation System.

We were warned by the teacher that we should bear with the 'dry humor' of the Moron's at Ford segemnt. Dry humor my ass. They didn't even try to be funny. In hindsight though, I guess that's a good thing. [NOTE: There was one funny part. Not intended, but still funny. They were discussing things that could impair you while you were driving, and out of the back seat the girl screams 'DRUGS!', the camera crazilly zooms into a bottle of asprin, then cuts back to the girl 'THE LEGAL KIND!'. Yeah thanks. The billions of little stickers on the bottle hadn't tipped me off in the first place. I'm glad you reminded me. I might have attempted to operate heavy machinery under my daily dose of VALIUM!]

Then there was this crazy 70's video. I'm surprised we didn't have to break out a reel-to-reel tape player or a microfilm viewer to see this beauty. Imagine some dork in a suit the color of dog's crap droning on in front of a bluescreen about how great driving safe is. The only good part about this was he once refered to all the knobs, switches, and lights on the dashboard. What the hell is his deal? Is he a monkey? Has he never seen blinking lights and moving controls before?! Freaking 70's.

Lastly, one time Mr. Wichman [moron paid to teach us to drive] said something like: You drive how you feel.

I know this can't be true. Why?

Because if it were, I'd be driving around with one hand at 12 o'clock on the steering wheel, and the other hand would have a revolver barrel pressed to Mr. Wichman's head. [Now I know why I kept signing all my religion papers 'Trigger'.]

*sigh* I was the only one who got 100% on the test yesterday, but I also have trouble staying in my lane. As E. L. Struby once so eloquently put it:

Fuck that shit.

Wendsday though, I managed to go see the crazy pirate movie with Melanie and Anna. That was better than I expected. I'd expected Disney to push pretty-boy Orlando and make Johnny Depp all scary or whatever. They didn't though. Orlando was a halfway decent character, and Depp was actually kind of funny.

Not as funny as this lady behind us thought it was, however.
She was in fucking hysterics, I heard her gasping for air at one point.
Only I am that funny. And even sometimes I'm not.
Stop laughing woman. Johnny Depp is a badass, not some stand-up comic.

After that we stood outside and I threw things over ledges while we watched the storm. The storm was very cool from Ward Parkway. We saw/heard a transformer explode. Sorry for you people who lost power, but it was so rad looking from about 20 miles away.

Then on Thursday I went on a spree. I got my monthly 60$ sustinance from mother. I promise to get a job soon blah blah blah. 10 goes in the savings jar, then we go to Ward Parkway. I buy the following: Cake's Fashion Nugget [20.00]; Soundtrack to Vanilla Sky [16.00]; Megatokyo Volume 1 [10.00]. In like the expanse of 45 minutes I spent almost 50 bucks. I came home both pissed and happy. Then the mexican food I had just eated kicked in and the Tomometer needle swung into the HYPER-PISSED range.

[I need to eat less. I get insanely hungy and eat a ton of food, then I feel all sleepy afterwards and I need to crash. Only to wake up hungry again. Damn growth spurts.]

One Final Note: If you know me I've probably mentioned it by now. If you don't know in that case then, let this be the public announcement: On July 24th, the Brak Blog will have a new home! I've got almost all the bugs worked out of Brak-Blog-2.0, and it's radness is challenged by only perhpas the regrowth of my awesome hair, and lightsabers. And cheese. On July 24th, I'll post the link and do some fancy auto-redirecton coding. Don't get pissed when you can't use this site when I foreward it to the new one. Everything [and I mean EVERYTHING, even the crappy beginning of this blog] has been archived at our new home. More on that as it approaches.

Cowboys don't drive. We ride behind the wheel.
[I need to copyright this shit.]
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:32 AM [+] ::
...

Woo. The time draws nearer...

Still on the topic of me being up exorberantly late [2 nights ago I made it till 5:30], I got to thinking: Do I really have that much skill? Thus was born project whitebox. It's easy to stay up late when there are movies to watch, books to read, or games to play, but what if you were stuck in a small white room. With nothing but a Rubic's Cube?

How easy would it be then to say up late? I'm determined to try. Anyone wishing to participate or volunteer their services, please contact me.

Sex-Help adds. They're everywhere. In my inbox (you know you get them too), on the radio, even on TV. TV for god's sake! The most sacred of media penetrated (horrible pun) by the most evil of advertisements! It pissed me off so much. Why don't all you poor dudes out there (believe me, my deepest sympathies to you) just go make your own little support group and do this stuff there. Please, save the rest of us from having to hear 'Is your partner unsatisfied?' anymore...

Canadian words. I'm not a hater of Canada, but their messed up english spellings bother me. List time:

• Cheque
  
• Flavour
  
• Groupe
  
• Colour
  
• Boxing Day [WTF?!]
  

Yuck...

Next was last night's little incident with my Clapper®. Normally, I can 'Clap Off'® just fine, but when I'm up late, its hard to do that without making a lot of noise. So instead I just put my hand close to it and snap. That usually works fine, except last night, I'd just eatten some chips, and though I licked my fingers very thuroughly, I had not yet washed them, so the were still a mite bit greasy.

If you've ever tried to snap with greasy fingers, you'll know its not easy. Case in point, I couldn't 'Clap On Clap Off'® without waking eveyone up, and I couldn't 'Snap On Snap Off' [U.S. Patent Pending] because there wasn't enough friction on my fingers. What did I do? I went to sleep with the light on of course.

Finally, my 4th of July fireworks bananza. Special thanks to Paula for hosting, it was very rad. We shot off all kinds of fun things, but most noteable the Jesu [pronounced Hey-Sue]. It's offically the best firework ever. Here is Radiskull's homemade-recipie for the Jesu-Super-Fire-Rocket-Mega-Bomb-Bomb [thats translated from the original Japanese word].

1. Empty soda-pop can.
2. Use Paula's Patented Process for opening up the top.
3. Stuff as much crap as you can into the can.
4. Put one in the top with the fuse sticking out of the lid.
5. Bend metal top act into place, making the canister 'semi-sealed'©
6. Light.
7. Run like flying deer [also translated from original Japanese].

Then you get multiple kabooms as the fireworks set eachother off from inside the can. Upon making sure all fireworks are done exploding, approach the can. Look at it smoke, then touch it.

It's hot isn't it? Then, after seeing the numerous gaping holes in the side and the chared remains of the soda-pop-brand's lable, set it to the side.

If you incidentally created the Jesu-Super-Fire-Rocket-Mega-Bomb-Bomb 2.0, then wait for 10 minutes. After this time has passed, the can shoule re-ignite. It burns! [Don't ask the secret though. We're still not sure how you upgrade to the 2.0. Please wait for a system repair patch. Untill then, enjoy the original Jesu, in all it's exploding glory.]

Happy 4th all you Cowboys. [™]
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:52 PM [+] ::
...

Wow. 2:30. This is actually fairly early for me. Considering bed times of late have averaged out to 4, but have often peaked at 5 am. I should get a fucking award for this.

Today I injured myself. Playing video games. I kid you not. My left thumb sends numbing pain though its repective digit upon any pressure. Why? I played sonic 3 for... hm. Well, I started at 3, finished at 12... took a few breaks. About 7 hours. On the POS Genisis controller, its a wonder I don't have something worse... like WestNile, or SARS.

Cause you know, SARS runs amock, even in the midwest. The stories you hear.... they're all true. SARS can be transmited by touch, by visiting the same website as an infected person, any transfer of fluids, and by having a name similar to that of an infected person. I've seen it happen. Not pretty.

While we're on the topic of extremes...
Extremists really piss me off. Any and All of them. For instance:

Everyone knows its bad to want to much.
It's greedy, and wanting to much for one's self is bad.
Or so I'm told.

But on the flipside, its equally as bad to want to little. EG:
Gee, racial oppression is really wrong and it sucks... but at least I'm not on fire!!

See? It's all bad vibes.

WOAH! Stop the presses. My hair is growing back to its former glory before it was maimed by someone who I care not to name. *evil glare towards barber shop*

How do you afford / your kick-ass Cowboy Lifestyle?
[sing to music of 'Rock and Roll Lifestyle' by Cake]
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 2:32 AM [+] ::
...

Word up.

I'm back, with a whole 'nother slew of crap to bitch about. You'd better get ready.

First off, somethings come to my attention, and it needs to be rectified.

There are all these pseudo-badasses out there who think they're so god damn cool. They go ahead and write all their deep, dark, poetry, they pretend they have emotional problems to draw out sympathy from others which they only deny because of their so-called 'problems'. Well guess what posers?!

The jig is so up.

Take it somewhere else. You're poluting the world with your tear-filled-faux-emotional-problems, and no one gives a flying fuck. Mainly me. I personally do not consider myself a bad-ass; but I respect those who are truly bad-asses. You people do good work, keep it up.

But as for all the fakers... go away. We hate you and your fake problems. As a mater of fact, we should just build you a colony where you can all go and have you problems and your 'dark thoughts' (*gasp* you didn't think you were the only ones who thought about dying... did you?!) and you can just hang out there.

This concludes my angry non-humor oriented rant.

In other news, I've decided to make fun of the news.

Palestine and Israel reached some kind of truce.
It's about fucking time. I guess there was once reasons for all this fighting, but most of the points are moot and now people have just been dying needlessly. So I reiterate: It's about fucking time.

Tropical Storm Bill pounded the Gulf Coast on Monday.
And Industrual Tycoon Bill ravages the computer market with monopoly. Big freakin woo.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge could move up to eighth in the line of presidential succession, leapfrogging 10 other Cabinet members in a congressional effort to better prepare for a catastrophic attack on Washington.
Christ, Bush, if you love him so much, why don't you just sleep with him, fire him, and then we can get on with the rest of our lives. Maybe if you didn't let our country piss off so many people, we wouldn't have to worry so much about the dreaded 'catostrophic attack on Washington'. Besides, we could use some spring cleaning there anyway. Damn Beauracrats.

So thats the news. Sucks, don't it? Im going to start keeping my list again, so I'll have better stuff next time.

This Cowboy is Back.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:04 PM [+] ::
...

OK people. Here's the deal. I'm going on hiatus.

In leiu of the recent 'doing something every 10 minutes spree', I need to lay low for a bit.
Smooth things over with the folks, you know?

1. I can't do anything for a week.

2. I'm going to see how long I can go computer-less. I'm not sure if it will work, but I'm going to try.

To all those people who never call me but to whom I talk online a lot, its up to you. On the one hand, you could assume that I'll come back. On the other, I would talk on the phone if you called.

And the third and most likely hand is that no one ever gave a flying fuck in the first place and I'm just going realized that even more in the next week or so.

'Good Day!' said the Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:29 AM [+] ::
...

woo. The past 3 days have been the vastest expanse of activity I've ever had...

Monday:

+ Ethan comes over
+ We ride to Sutherlands to buy locks and screw drivers
+ We pick locks
+ Stephan comes over
+ We all play lots of video games
+ We all go and get lunch

Tuesday

+ I see X-Men 2 with Melanie
+ Eat a ton of food when I got home cause I hadn't eaten until 8 that night

Wendsday

+ Go to Emily's house. Even though my gender is not welcome there
+ Ride with Adam to Sarah's house
+ Adam, Sarah, Mad, Emily, and Myself all buy ice cream
+ I get my entire mouth stuck on a god damn popsicle
+ Blood gets on my popsicle
+ I enjoy the iron taste of blood

Rock.

In addition, I heard adds for sex-enhancements on the radio, my computer finally crashed after being on for 6 days straight, and I realized what a crappy approach the catholic schools take to sexual education. Plus I got a great idea for a new Disney Channel show. More on that last one later.

This cowboys hands smell like Bubble Gum-Flavored Bomb Pop.
With just a *hint* of blood.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 6:22 PM [+] ::
...

I have ortho in about 15 minutes, so this has to be quick. Even though I have a shit load of material for once.

Right. First order of business. American Ninja. You grew up with American Ninja, you practically cried when you heard of American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. Now, let me once again bring into the light another great movie based on absolutly nothing. American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt. Fuck yes I said. I only saw about 5 minutes, but the title alone was enough to get me all excited. I was let down though! Michael Dudikoff (Joe Armstrong) isn't in this one, which made me cry. But the dude who plays 'Jackson' is; and he is very rad. After this sweet-and-sour AN:3 expirience, I decided to do some research, and to my surprise, there are FIVE American Ninja movies!!! And Michael Dudikoff even comes back for #4! Come on HBO! I need my Ninja fix, and I need it fast. This is definatly getting a page on brak//SIGN.

Next thing while we're talking about TV. The other night I ordered a Pay-Per-View movie. The Ring. Ooooh. Scary. Well, PPV is a pretty entertaining little happening by itself. After your order the movie it starts this little counter, and after 1 min. it counts the seconds. I got really excited... 5... Do I have my popcorn? 4... Illigal video copying devide (VCR) ready? 3... What movie is this again? 2... Why is this thing counting? 1... Is porn more expensive, or cheaper, then a regular movie? 0. Movie starts.

Oh wait, no it doesn't. I get to watch another 5 minutes of ads. THEN the movie starts.
After watching The Ring, I was pretty freaking scared. There was a point in the beginning where I'm litterally thinking: 'Dude. Not that scary. What is up with th-' and at that point I see a disfigured dead chick in a closet. GYAH! I spazed and fell off the couch. NOT rad at all. There were other parts I had to like yell at myself to watch, cause its JUST movie. You know? Bah. I always say 'Nah. Scary movies are never that scary'... Tom you are such an idiot...

Rewind to a couple days back though.
I found this little pamphlet about healthy eating that says if you eat 5 different colored fruits a day, it lowers cholesterol and helps fight against like cancer and stuff. Their website sucks, so I'm not gonna link it, but I think I'll try their little health plan. God knows I could use it. What with my high cholesterol and all that.

That same day I bought a CD. I haven't actually purchased a CD since like 2 years ago. No kidding. I got Third Eye Blind's 'Blue'. I had some of the songs on my computer, but now I legally own them. It felt kinda nice. Now there's like 5 CD's that I want, and I have no mon-ay. Next I went home and played James Bond and capped some russians. Life was good.

Until I get in an argument with a friend of mine. And it felt so good. I got this insane rush from trying to prove someone wrong. After a while I didn't even matter what we were fighting about it was just like this creepy thrill. After he blocked me I felt bad. Not that he'd blocked me, he was annoying at the time anyway, but that I'd taken such sick pleasure in something that shouldn't really be that fun. Yuck. I need help.

Later that night, I went to another friends house. It was pretty cool. We played Croquet. Which sounds kinda weird I know, but its actually fun. We were hardcore too. It started raining, but we kept smacking those wooden balls with mallets. And then we mixed it up and made it all crazy and rad. Then I thought wouldn't it be cool to croquet on the moon? All was well then, until we started Monopoly.

I'm really not much of a Monopoly person. I usually get out early, and then pose the metal figures in lude positions. It's just not really my thing. Anyhoo, my friend turns out to be this hyper-monopoly-prodigy. Moreso than my sister. And she's pretty insane about this game. By the end though, something about my and losing got messed up, and my competitive nature was stoked. My sister was about to go broke, so she transfered everything she had over to me, and I became SUPER PLAYER and I went smackdown on Sean. I won my first and proabaly only game of Monopoly.

So today, there's nothing good on the TV at all (I watch a lot of TV, now that there isn't anything to do during the day). I did something I vowed never ever to do again. I switched to channel 24, MTV. MY GOD. That is the worst station on the freaking planet. I saw a music video of Christina Agulara. The song was called 'Fighter' and she was walking around with giant pins in her back. WTF?! After that was Ashanti. Enough Said. And then, at #1, GOOD CHARLATE! (damn spelling). These guys I give like a pin-prick's worth of credit, because they can play their own instruments, but everybody else can burn. I'm sure there's like over a million people who can sing as good as Ashanti and Christina, but the only reason they're not making good mon-ay is because their chests fit through normal sized doorways. Thanks for nothing music industry. Burn in hell MTV.

After that I was traumatized so I ate a corn dog. Then I got to wondering, wouldn't it be neat if they put jokes on the corn-dog sticks?

In my version, 'The Ring' is the smoking barrel of a Cowboy Revolver.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 2:18 PM [+] ::
...

So today I was totally to lazy to type a whole entry.

Instead, I recorded one.

[Cowboy thing is even recorded in the entry!]
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:40 AM [+] ::
...

So its raining like alot today. I really love the rain, but today of all days I wanted to visit a friend. And now to do that I'd have to get really, really wet. Grrr.

First on the agenda is the ballgame. I went to a Royals game the other day, (which they LOST), but it was still pretty awesome. I hadn't been to a game in a while and I forgot about all the stuff that made it so fun. The giant mascot shooting hot dogs out of an air-powered cannon, the annoying enthusists who feel compeled to comment on the entire game, that one crazy guy who keeps yelling at the players... No wonder baseball was once dubbed American's Greatest past time.

So I'm browsing the internet, and I find something kinda cool. It's a little graphic, and very twisted, but if neither of those things bother you, the Happy Tree Friends are calling you. Demented little videos about cute cartoony forrest animals getting dismemebered in every possible fashion. Normally, this kinda stuff does not entertain me, but HTF is an exception.

Ok, this is really bad. I think I have a cavity in one of my back teeth. Every time I try to floss it, white-hot-pain goes searing through my entire body and I kind of spaz out and lay on the floor twitching. And then, when I try and chew with it, after maybe 10 minutes, its gets all numb. Then later it hurts again and the twitching begins again. I hate cavities. I'm never drinking soda again.

Holy crap what am I thinking?! I meant I'm never drinking soda again to excess.

So the other day I some how found myself looking at the personal ads on the internet. I used to just kinda sham it off as that I was 'seeing how sad and desperate these people were', but now its become kind of a hobby. At first I used to look at the guy ones to see what kinda shallow qualities they would look for in a woman, but after a while it got kinda redundant.

Looking for:

• Tall
  
• Skinny
  
• Smart
  
• Funny
  
• Pretty

and then I feel really bad when I look at the average woman one, and she's only hoping for like 2 of those things at the very best. Men are such pigs. Excuse me now while I go plan a radical feminist movement.

Very soon I'm embarking on a quest for fire. I desire a new Zippo lighter, because I'm a pyro. I don't smoke, or plan on smoking. I just really like lighters. You know how some people like hunting but don't eat what they kill (you all suck by the way)? Its kind of like that, except no one dies; which is a plus in any given situation.

On a lighter note, (jesus, that was a pun, wasn't it?) I feel like a total slob. Like there's something I should be doing but I'm not. Wanna know a secret? I'm loving every minute of it. All that burden of weight from school and grades and finals... gone. That is, until my final grades come in the mail. So I might as well enjoy it while I can.

Yesterday I was in the shower, gettin all cleaned up and whatever. I dropped my soap- WAIT -down the drain. It was at this point I realized I'd been taking a shower with a 'bar', if that's what you'd even call it, of soap the size of a quarter for the past week. I felt really lazy... and then I was sad cause I had no soap.

Finally, the main draw of todays entry *drumroll please* ready.gov: explained. Ready.Gov is the US Governemnt's 'just in case' page outlining what to do in the event of a terrorist attack. I enjoyed the pictures so I made my own site. Enjoy it at your own biohazardous risk. NOTE: This segment is hosted at an uncomplete version of Brak//SIGN. If you want any of the other features from that site, use the link to the geocities one at the top of this page.

Cowboys are Tall, Skinny, Funny, Smart, and totally Badass.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:54 AM [+] ::
...

Ah ha! Witness the ultimate return of the blog! Todays entry is about summer, because school if finally done!

So I'm planning to do all this crazy stuff this summer.
And you should all know about it! Right.

CRaZY thING #1: The movie at the zoo. This is gonna kick so much ass. A bunch of friends of mine and myself are all going to the zoo, and we're making an improv movie while we're there. It's going to rule even if the flick sucks, because of fact that we're at the zoo.

CRaZY thING #2: Summer boredom tour. Ever worry that your summers frequently waste away to nothing? Me too. Thats why we have this thing. First session is June 10th, 1 oclock. Loose Park. Bring a tennis ball.

CRaZY thING #3: I'm going to learn bamboo sword fighting with stephan this summer. We're going to become ninjas.

CRaZY thING #4: Making a video game with Jeff. With ninja-multiplayer action!

CRaZY thING #5: Monkey sex with tanner.

CRaZY thING #6: Make some totally rad websides. Including: Cowboy Bebop: The Online Jam Sessions; and Donnie Darko: Explained! Plus, I'm teaching my cousin how to program websites, and she's teaching me Japanese. Super-rad!

CRaZY thING #7: Get a job at the computer store. I hope. Please..?!

CRaZY thING #8: Order more toy firearms from This Place

CRaZY thING #9: Watch every single movie I own.

CRaZY thING #10 Make a real movie with a plot.

CRaZY thING #11: More monkey sex with tanner.

So thats about it. I'm really going to try and do every single one of those things this summer. Because they are all cool. And I'll write about every single one. Now that schools out, I'll have a lot more time for putting random things on the blog!

:: As was prophesized by Tom at 1:08 PM [+] ::
...

After another exciting day full of finals and last standard class periods, I have something to bitch and moan about!

Ok, have you ever noticed that orange juice tastes good with absolutly nothing? I mean even though people drink it with all kinds of weird stuff, it never actually tastes that great because its acidic properties counteract the majority of the solid foods we eat. Weird huh?

And another thing, what's up with all this colored food?! I mean green ketchup, pink and blue butter? Who the HELL buys this stuff. Its like when people got color TV, except this isn't TV, its food. Which has had color for like, a long time. So what's the deal?!

Today I used a unit of measurement called a 'Fuckload'. Then Ethan said something. While ignoring him, I began to think... which kind of hurt at first, but then I wondered, what exactly is a fuckload? Is it some kind of other unit used in a metric-like system, or does it designate a certain level of intense radioactivity, or what? I dunno. For now I just think it means a lot, but if you by some strange happening do know what a fuckload is, then please, email me and tell me!

So our Bio teacher gave us Tootsie Roll Pops because it was our last class with her and she's pretty nice so she gave us candy. As I was enjoying the suggary treat, noticed that the wrapper had the ingredients on it. Then I realized that I knew what none of this shit was, so I decided to go and find out...

• Sugar. Duh
  
  
• Corn Syrup- Um, its what makes the sugar sticky I think...
  
  
• Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil- "Consuming partially hydrogenated oils is like inhaling cigarette smoke. They will kill you -- slowly, over time, but as surely as you breathe. And in the meantime, they will make you fat! " The fuck? I got that from here. Click for more info...
  
  
• Citric Acid- "Substances that in aqueous form taste sour, change blue litmus red, react with bases to form salts and react with metals to release hydrogen. Acid molecules have at least one hydrogen cation (H+) attached to an anion (-). Acids are broken up into 2 groups, inorganic and organic. " Sure...
  
  
• Soya Lecithin- I couldn't find out anything about this, much less how to pronounce it. I found one website that had pictures of chemical refineries in the background, and another that sold this shit pure. I'm so confused.
  
  

So that about does it for the totsie roll pop. Throw in some artificial flavoring and colors, and you have possibly the single most lethal piece of edible sugar ever produced. I fucking love America...

If a cowboy drank partially hydrogenated soybean oil instead of smoking cigarettes, would it have that same 'cool' effect?
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 8:58 PM [+] ::
...

Little things happened today.

1. I had a paper proped up in front of the computer screen at school. Not thinking, I pressed 'Windows Key' + D to minimize all. I expected the paper to get off the screen like the rest of the open windows. When it didn't I tried to click it... realizing my error I ran off and bashed my head into a metal pike.

2. I used the word 'exclamitory' in a sentance in my U.S. Government class the other day. Someone asked me where I learned such big words. I once again resorted to the pike.

3. If the blog suddenly disappers one day, don't be scared. Either A) I'm in the process of transfering it, or B) I tooke a pike to this fucking computer.

Get your own pike cowboy, this one's mine.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:09 PM [+] ::
...

Ok, today is a short post. Not much to say.

I haven't been taking 'blog notes' and because of my extreme short term memory, I don't remember anything funny that happened so sorry.

One thing I will tell you though is that the Real Nazi List is growing exponentially. Thanks to all you who posted, lets expose those facists for who they really are! Yea. Erm... yeah. So any way, please submit to the list because it gives me something to do. Finals are coming up soon as well, so I'll either have some really great stuff to talk about or nothing at all.

...What, no cowboy thing at the end?
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:08 PM [+] ::
...

HOLY CRAP! If you ever read my blog before, you should remember 'American Ninja' from the April 30th update. If you don't, check the archives or whatever, and read up on American Ninja.

Now that you're up to date, guess what I JUST SAW! American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. No way! I said. Way said my TV. The coolest shitty movie ever has a sequel!! I was hyped. In short, Joe Armstrong (they gave him a last name! In AN1 he was 'just Joe') the end-all-be-all fighter, Hardcore-US-Army fused with Ass-Kicking-Ninja and his very buff african american cronie Jackson take off to bust some shit. They're after a drug lord making cyborg ninja assassination clone dudes. Shyeah, right I said. But it was true. Joe and Jackson whooped it up as always, and the acting sucked, as always, and I totally dug it. ^_^

So I'm typing some stuff this morning, and I rest my elbow on the window sill, since my chair lacks arm rest. I look over there, and to my horror I realize that the paint on the window sill is all chipped off. In my panic, I rub the edges to see if the rest is all loose. Then, I realize that the 'hole' in the paint isn't a hole at all. Its like a big deposit of elbow greese (ironic isn't it). I cleaned it off with my home made cleaning fluid (spit) and my special ionized wipe cloth (kleenex). All was well.

After that, I was playing with some canned air, and I realized that that shit has the same smell as nail polish remover. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Now I'm listening to the radio. Its dance mix night on the radio station that plays rad 80's music. It suddenly came to me that 'dance-mix' is just the song with the beat played over and over on annoying percusion in the background. It then come to me once more that the 'dance-mix' was invented for people who can't find the real underlying beat in a song and need it made annoyingly obvious just so they can 'dance' to it. It's defacing perfectly good songs, which makes me both angry and sick.

Now, the other day I promised something about making fun of Nazi's. Well, its done. I give you: Real Nazi List v1.0. Its a form where you can submit someone who you think is evil and bad and promotes nazi-ism. We'll put them on a big list, and then everyone can go and point and laugh and pity and make fun of the mean people. Because they suck. Enjoy.

Finally, tonight I'm going to watch the Hudsucker Proxy. Don't let the name fool you, this movie isn't about adhesives or something dirty, its just really odd. Its one of those movies you've never heard of, but would totally love if you saw it. So go rent it. Because its cool like that.

American Ninja 3: Birth of the American Cowboy Ninja.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:25 PM [+] ::
...

Lets start with todays random expidition into the internet:




That company claims they'll send you a free toy gun if you put their link on your site. I have done this, and I'll soon mail them the money for the shipping. I'm getting a free gun damnit.

Moving on...
Yesterday I killed like 5 bugs. It was gross.

1. I got a gnat with the back of my hand at school
2. Another gnat got sucked into the field of static electricity surrounding my monitor. *Squish*
3. One of those blood bugs was on my mini-blinds. Those guys are messy...
4. ANOTHER gnat on my computer screen...
5. A little something crawled up the drain in my sink... ew. *Squish* *rinse*

It was so nasty.

Next, we have me choking. I had to take some meds for my acne *crowd boos* called 'sulfa' pills. These sob's are huge. And they're powdery, couple that with the natural saliva in your mouth, and they stick like no other! I got one halfway down and it just kinda... stoped. I tried again. It hurt, and about here I realized I couldn't breath. So I hit myself in the back of the head, and the pill kinda gets dislodged, but I'm still lacking oxygen!! I'm freaking out about now, so I just beat the hell out of the back of my head. I try to swallow one more time, and the thing finally goes down. I went to bed with THE gorssest tates in my mouth... taste like sulfa... whatever the hell that is.

Next, we have the water test. People used to explain to me that the reason dogs could drink out of the toilet was because the water in there was same as the water in the faucet. I never blieved them, so I put this theory to the test. 1 cup of tap water. 1 cup of water form the outside hose. 1 cup of water from the shower. (You didn't really think I'd drink from the toilet, did you?) Tap got best, hose second, shower last. Gross gross gross. Put this under the multiple reasons I'm glad I'm not a dog.

Today, someone threw a bar of soap at me. I mean, what the hell!? After a particularly interesting gym class at that. I was standing there, cold and without my shirt, thinking about how if I got neumonia I could totally sue the school, for making me be a 'skin'. So anyhoo, I'm getting kinda bored. I can play somethings like basketball or soccer, but 'AngleBall' I really just don't do. So I'm standing there, trying half-heartedly to look like I'm doing something. Then I think to myself "If you're going to do nothing, why not at least enjoy it?" So, I walk over to two of my friends that are talking. I hardly get a god damn sentance out of my mouth before I hear Eller get all "YOU THREE, OVER ON THE STAGE" After making the split second decision as to either A) Say FUCK YOU COACH! or B) go sit on the stage. I chose B. So anyhoo, after engrossing conversation NON-STOP with Ben, which got real old real quick, the hour ended, and I went back downstairs. So I'm once again standing there, minding my own business, and all of a sudden
BAM! SOAP IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD
Someone threw soap at my head. It hurt until 6th hour. So angry...

So that about covers it. Please click the link above and support the free trade of realistic arms to children.

Cowboys support the 2nd Amendment!
You should encourage your children to do likewise!


:: As was prophesized by Tom at 7:09 PM [+] ::
...

OK, I finally got enough crazy stuff for a new blog entry, and then I have to go do fizucking homework.

So we're talking about premarital sex in religon today (premarital sex is so much fun to say...) and I tried to somehow work ninjas into this conversation. What came out of it was Ninja Sex. This somehow involves swords... yup. Still not sure how exactly, but it does... ANOTHER reason why ninjas are totally sweet.

After Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one of my rare live-action addiction shows, theres this really bad show called Platinum. I HATE that show. The undelying theme is: People from all ethnic sterotypes, mainly black and white people, are united under the universal umbrella of humanity that is... RAP MUSIC!!!! Get excited....not.

Ok, next is my day. Today we had reverse schedule, where you go to 7th hour first, 6th hour second, and so on. I made a little map of what happened, Check it. and here's the narration that goes with the picture.

First I have biology. Not a bad class. For the second time ever, I got to see the dolphin movie thats narrated by Pierce Brosnan! James Bond talks to Dolphins! It's super cool.

Second is Forensics. Today, we talked about how Ninjas are totally sweet and can flip out whenever they want and kill people via head slicing. I still can't spell.

Third, English. They gave us the final review sheet for this class. I am SO screwed.

Fourth, Religion. We were going over scenarios about morality and shit, and SOMEHOW got to thinking about how I should make a movie about an airplane that crashes into another dimension where Christianity is like the government. (AKA hell).

Time for Lunch. They combined the 3rd and 4th lunches, so there were all these people. I had to eat in the hall and our table was crammed. It was the shit.

Gym. Ethan can dunk. Not really, but I felt like drawing him in that Michel Jordan pose. And yes Ethan, I gave you a square head on purpose.

Governement. Nothing EVER happens in this class. You know when you eat the same thing over and over and over and over again? Take that, multiply it times a whole GOD DAMN SEMESTER and then you'll know how monotanous U.S. Government is.

Math. Thats ms sandner. with a swastica on her shirt. because she's a nazi. I hate that woman. that's why I didn't give here a head and I'm not using proper capitalization in this sentance.

So, thats about it. Sorry for lack of content, but I've got a cool feature ready for next time. It involves the making fun of Nazi's. Yup.

Premarital Sex: 1$ for a condom.
Premarital Ninja Sex: 1$ for a condom, 400$ for authentic pair of bushito.
Cowboy Sex: Priceless.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 9:40 PM [+] ::
...

Yea. Special Birthday Edition of Blog. Today I am 15 years old. This day only comes around once a year, so I might as well enjoy it. Or at least try to.

Yesterday though, some weird stuff happened. I'm sitting in my U.S. Gov't. class, and I feel this itch on my eye. All of a sudden, my right eye twitches, and I wink at Mr. Harkins, the teacher. He then gives me this weird look back like "what the hell". I then compulsivly twitch both eyes, as to say "no, I'm not winking. its a twitch". That man will probably never see me as normal ever again.

Next, on peoples lockers, (select, special, team sport people) there were signs that read "Don't forget to eat your wheaties!" So I'm all like yeah, wheaties are good for you and stuff, whatever. Only then I look closer, and see that there are breakfast cereal things taped to the sign. Only, they're not wheaties. They're corn flakes.

The hell? If you say wheaties, at least tape a real wheatie on there, I mean come ON. If I'm going to be an ass, I'd better be a good one. If I'm going to steal a car, I'd better get a good car. And if I'm going to make a sign about cereal, I might as well GET THE RIGHT ONE! Geez, these people have no respect for the dignity of work any more...

I don't suppose I've told you all about my aluminum tension rod. AKA my stick. I am really, really, lazy. So when I got this stick, I was all excited. I could close my door without even getting up out of my computer chair. I could hit people without even touching them. I keep the stick right next to my desk, and today I just kind of realized what life would be like without the stick. I mean, I've grown to accustomed to just pulling this bad boy out and having things happen (doors close, people get hit), but if it was gone... I'd be just another nerdy kid who doesn't leave his computer...

Lastly, the coolest thing happened to me yesterday. Me and a friend were coming back from a bike ride, and we stopped in the local computer shop so I could snag a job application. So we're in there, and theres this dude in front of us. I'm pretty sure he was gay, and I only say that because he was wearing Versachi Jeans... and a headband... and two ear rings... and leather boots. And his voice was really high and all, but you get the point. The fact that he was gay is irrelevant because this dude just handed me a stick of RAM, computer memory. He had to get a new motherboard, and it took a different type of ram, so he had no use for his old ram. He gave it to me. As of yesterday, my computer had 128 MB of ram. It was good, it did the job. However, after gay man gave me a stick of 256 for absolutly free, I now have *adds* 384 MB of RAM! w00t. Now my computer runs 3x as fact... so Gay Man, where ever you are... thank you... *sniff*

So thats about it. Wish me good birthday vibes, and wish Gay Man good vibes too!

Command.Line:Error:
User not Identified as Cowboy - - LogIn-Account.Status: Terminated.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 11:45 AM [+] ::
...

Woah! I am so sorry everyone. I haven't gone this long without blog in a while. Well fear not! I have returned. As usual, weird shit happened to me and now I'm going to write about this, so lets get it over with so I can get off my fake leather chair and put my pants back on.

Lets start with the last interesting thing that happened: State Festival at KCK Community College. More debate/forensic nerd stuff, the important thing was what I found there. In their little college newspaper deal, the had an article about a guy who blogged from Iraq. It was all meaningful and blah blah blah war is sad blah blah blah, but the important thing was the headline. In big bold letters: Blogging from Hell. I saw this and imediatly though... hmmmmm.... though.... Runtime Error 0003287: Process:Thought Failed to pass Subroutine:StartUp. OH YEAH! Wouldn't that look cool on my door?! So I taped it on my door. You can see a graphic representation here. That being said, let's move onward.

Hank, my friend, who is the illustrator for our comic, says hello.

Children Hired by Tom for this very Purpose:Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Hank!

Sunday's Food Drive: I needed the mad service hours so I can graduate Freshman year, so I decided to go to my cousin & friend's church's food drive. My cousin was sick, but me and my friend had plenty of fun with the weird foods people brought in.

• Fancy Cut- How can you cut something fancy?! And apparently everything can be cut in a "Fancy Fashion". What the hell? I saw fancy cut corn, fancy cut green beans, hell even a 50 lb. bag of fancy cut RICE!!! For the love of god even the Camme's in
  China are cutting things fancy. (And it was Chinese rice btw, that wasn't a racial slur *cough*ETHAN*cough*).
  
• Irregular Peaches- If you were to GOOD for 'regular' peaches, we have ones that are Irregular. How you define something as reg. or irreg. I dunno. Apparently though, the $ave Brand Peach Co. has managed to do it. My thanks go out to you, you've helped millions of STUPID PEOPLE with a problem that DOESN'T EXIIST!!
  
• Freshlike- Fresh things are to expensive, but Freshlike, well thats no problem. I'm dead serious, I saw a can of Freshlike Corn. I felt really sorry for poor people... or at least moreso than usual, becuase idiots bring them space food made for atstronauts. ASTRONAUTS!
  
• Treet- SPAM, not the junk e-mail, but the food. It's the satanic, evil cousin of Rubik's Cube. That's how nasty this stuff is (think of April 30th's goat.cx... on second thought, don't... *cries of pain* to late.)... not that bad, but pretty bad. Well someone found Spam righteous enough (which its NOT) to get is own rip-off brand! Treet brand Ham Flavored Lunch Meat. With real "Smoke Flavor". So its fake ham, with fake smoke... *dream-sequence* People mashing cigarette butts into plastic ham...*end-dream-sequence*. Yuck....

Hoo. End of the food rant. For now. After the food drive thing though, we went to take the food to the pantry place. on the way we saw something I can't even begin to forumlate with words... Think 2 SUVs, a School Bus, and a Gas Station. All 3 of which have the Kansas City Police Dept. Logo on them. SUV's are one thing. A gas station is another (patrol cars guzzle gas just like the rest of us) but a SCHOOL BUS?! I would die a happy man seeing the Police Bus in action. Maybe its for Police School or something...

After we got back, we went inside the Church and ate at the Church Sponsored lunch thing. It was good, plus free. They could have fed me anything, as long as its free, its better than nothing. Unless its poison, that wouldn't be good... or maybe you could take the poison, sneak into the White House SNAP. Oh, right. So we're eating the food, and the crowd gets real quiet because this lady is gonna talk, and we here this little kid say:

And when I grow up I'm going to get a knife and cut their heads off! *Laughs and makes cutting motions*

Rock for child-murderers. w00t.

This morning presented another anomoly to me. My slob-ness. The other day, I was cleaning my room cause my dad gave me this big schpeel about how WE DON'T LIVE IN SQUANDER AND WE'RE NOT WHITE TRASH. Psh, maybe you aren't dad, but as for me... So yeah, room cleaning. I must have put my shoes away?! Why, I'm not sure. I always leave my shoes in some vacinity of the floor, so I can trip over them in the middle of the night. I do these things on purpose you know... Getting to the point. I spent almost 15 minutes off-and-on looking for my shoes this morning. Under the couch, down in the basement, my front porch, everywhere; except the closet. I ran up to get my pants, ironically, and found them in the closet with my shoes. I felt stupid all the way to school. Then I realized I was going to ask my math teacher about group theory, which boosted my nerd-ness and in turn made me feel better.

So that's about it. My ass has fallen asleep, so I'm going to put my pants back on, get off the fake leather chair, and go down and fix me a sandwhich.

Children Hired by Tom for this Other Purpose: See You, Space Cowboy! ^_^
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 9:35 PM [+] ::
...

ha ha! Greetings all 'net divers from earth! Boy do I have a show for you today! Over the past 3 or four days, there has been some MONDO funny shit going on. Today is the blog compilation of that stuff, so get ready!

Lets start with monday. I woke up uncannilly early on monday. I wandered downstairs, completely ready to go to school, at 6:30. Realizing I wasn't leaving for another 45 minutes, I switched on the tube while I ate my daily bowl of Frosted Cheerios. To my surprise, be it pleasant or horrific, I'm still to shocked to remember, Sailor Moon is on. Sailor Moon! The coolest anime for little girls with implied nudity ever! It's like the Dragonball for the preverted 10 year old in all of us... us Guys I mean. So yeah, that was sweet, and I was singing the Sailor Moon theme in my head all day. After that though, there was this really crappy show on called "California Dreams". The basis is that unruly highschool students living in sunny CA get into crazy situations and HILARITY ENSUES. Be warned, this is not a show for the faint of heart. The utter LACK OF ACTING and the disgustingly predictable plot made me, for the first time since... ever, want to go to school. So then I did. I came home, and then things got weirder.

My curriosity got the best of me, and I clicked a link to www.goat.cx. WARNING! Do NOT go here. I'm being serious. It's like disgustingly worse then any porn, any saddist website... anything. It's the sort of thing that makes people like me, who take delight in strange things may I remind you, want to pluck their eyeballs out. After reading all that, if you still feel up to it, visit goat.cx. Once you've seen it, I don't think it will requite anymore explaining.

Still tramatized from the expirience above, I clicked on anything to get me off goat.cx. Of course, with my luck, I make it to dolphinsex.org. My god I'm having a day. This site outlines in a very descriptive manner... well, I doubt I need to go into it. This site lacks digusting pictures, but it compensates in overall nasty weirdness. Once again dazed and confused as to why such evil exists in this world, clicked something else, a link that read simply... stiff. What does it give me? A guide to necrophilia. I hate myself.

Tuesday. Trying to relate this odd happening of events on the 'net last night, I asked a friend (trying to remember the word Necrophilia) "What do you call it when you do it with dead people?" This was the subject to much hilarity, and I'm sure it will be for many years to come. I reiterate the fact that I hate myself. Oh, and it prompted the creation of this. In addition, we watched a video about dolphins in biology... ew...

Things got better when I came back home though. I finally saw the end of "American Ninja". My conceptions of this movie have changed a little. In the end, the American Ninja, who's name is Joe... "yeah, just call me Joe". meets his old master, and they have one final training session. Then Joe ditches his army get-up for a totally sweet ninja suit. He's going head to head with his master against 40 some of the bad ninjas. They kill all 40, and then enters BLACK STAR NINJA. The biggest and baddest of all the evil Ninja guys. He throws the a knife at Joe, and his master takes the knife for him. It was cheesey, and there wasn't even the classic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" that you usually get with stuff like that. Any hoo, lots of people die, but Joe gets the Black Star Ninja, and the credits scroll. Watch this movie. I promise it's the best crappy movie ever made. Really.

Wendsday. Today I made vocabulary cards for my english class, and after all the ninja action yesterday, I made them ninja themed-

• Ethnic - Saddly, the U.S. Census office would not accept "Ninja" as an ethnic background.
  
• Exigency - Even in the exigency and strife of a pirate attack, a Ninja always remains calm.
  
• Erudite - The erudition of a Ninja is unparalleled; they are of the highest mental capacity.
  
• Esoteric - The secret technique of invisibility is quite esoteric, only the most elite of ninja's have mastered it.
  
• Ethical - A Ninja's code of morals is of the most ethical codes in the known universe.
  

So there you have it. It's now wendsday afternoon, and I'm sitting here, not wearing any pants because its hotter then hell in my house. I've checked all my usual stuff (see side bar of links) and I'm wired from 2 pops and 1/2 a bag of Chicks and Rabits. This is why I don't go out...

Animals like Dolphins mate... Cowboys spawn.
(Still not sure how that works)

:: As was prophesized by Tom at 5:07 PM [+] ::
...

I hate Libraries. I just do. They bother me for some reason. Regardless, I had to go to the Mid-Continental Library with my mom today, and it wasn't that bad. I forgot how cool the idea of a Library being free is. You go in there, show them the card, and you can have books for as long as you want. I got a book, and a big one at that. It was nice.

I then came how and watched some cable TV, which, unfortunatly, is not free. After I got over the irony watching TV after checking out a book, I found a totally sweet movie called American Ninja. The rugged fronteer mentality meets the stealth, ass-kicking way of the ninja. For once a movie actually delivered what I expected. The part I came in on, was where some hyper-rich dude showed his hyper-rich-buyer-friends his giant ninja-army-training complex. I was floored at this, because it's like evey kids dream to own a ninja-training-complex. The rest was about a marine commando who was raised by some old fart in Japan who taught him all these ninja moves. He used them to do glorious americanistic things blah blah blah, but it was still pretty neat.

Lastly, I have shit with amazon.com. My E-Mail is registered @yahoo.ca. Which is out of canada. w00t. Yea Canada... whatever. I just wanted the name. Anyhoo, I sign up with Amazon.com because sometimes I go on shopping "sprees". I just put a whole bunch of stuff in my shopping cart and I get all excited and stuff. Then, at a later date, when I already feel like crap, I empty it back out. But for those 5 minutes of clicking "add to cart" on 40+ items, I'm in heaven.

So thats cool, except all of a sudden, every time I go to amazon.com, this big pop-up pops up and it says ARE YOU CANADIAN!?!?!?!?!?!? Evidentally because I have a canadian email, I must, by definition, be canadian.

fuck NO!!!

I'm no one's foreign bitch. Go America, freedom, liberty, and all that. I got so sick of that damn pop-up, so I went in to log out so I wouldn't have to see it anymore, and Amazon.com has no logout option!! I was very mad, so I physically went in and deleted the cookie that told admin@amazon what my account was. Ha ha, I win. NO more pop-up.

Cowboys can logout anytime they want to.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 8:55 PM [+] ::
...

Boy did I see the coolest thing on Cable EVER today. It was sweet. Now I've seen some bad movies, and I've seen some good movies, I've even seen movies who's subject mater was irrelevant to me but the film made it interesting. Anyhoo, today I saw another one of the crappy ones.

I'm clicking through the channels, and I see something called "Switchblade Sisters". It was really neat though, because as I'm reading the title, the movies loads from the cable box, and they're actually fighting with switchblades as I come into the movie. I've never had that happen where I walk in right when the title is explained. My second reaction though, was this: I see the title and think, alright, babes duke it out with sharp knives, how does one go wrong?! Well trust me, it's entirely possible.

Problem #1. They're not babes. Problem #2. Their switchblades are like, dinner knives. It was really sad, and when one of them got cut it was totally fake. Then, when the one Switchblade Sister was going to finish the other Switchblade REvolTinG Sister off, they only show the sillouettes. (I really should learn to SPELL someday...). Long story short this movie was crap. I'm going to remake it though, as part of my up-coming midlife crisis, and it's going to have SUPER HOT NINJA BABES as the Switchblade Sisters, not Susan-Sarandon-Look-Alike-Rejects.

I also said something really cool, and it pleased me. I was watching Ferris Buller's Day Off with my sister, and she says

Tom, a lot of the kids at my school quote this movie and think they're cool

Now all the kids at my sister's school are jerks, but this movie is rightous. How does one solve this paradox, I soon found out when I said:

There's 2 types of people in this world. Those that quote Ferris Buller, and those who are Ferris Buller. If you quote the movie, it means you want to be like Ferris, and in wanting to be something you're not, one could never truly become Ferris Buller.

It was one of my Modern-Day-Enlightenment-Buddah moments. I enjoyed it... I'm sitll not sure what it means though...

There are those who ARE cowboys, who will ultimatly rule the world.
And then those who want to BE cowboys.
There are also those who are "inferior", and are SHOT by cowboys.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:02 AM [+] ::
...

OK, not much to say today, but I just was wondering about some stuff.

Like you know those camera things that are ALWAYS in pop-up adds and everyone knows the name cause you see it all the god damn time? And how they always have pictures of seductive women, all like catching them with only the bare minimum of their clothes on or something? I hate advertising. Because those bastards have totally ruined something I held dear. I used to think: Scantly clad women, ok, hell yes! But now I think: Scantly clad women, ok, camera thing... GOD DAMNIT.

See? Other things like that, like you know... Ok, nothing beats that one. But I promise, there's other stuff like that.

I also stole someone's car keys on accident and I felt bad about it.

Cowboys have guns and get into cool gun battles and have trusty steeds. Modern day cowboys have all of these things; except the steed is a '92 Celica, not a horse.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:57 AM [+] ::
...

God damnit. Today totally sucked. I had a shitty day to boot, and everything following it hasn't helped at all.

After school being borring and monotone and uninteresting as usual, I finally get out. The first thing that happens is that this kid I know starts being all nit-picky about the stupidest stuff ever, and I was very close to yelling "shut the hell up" at him; and meaning it.

After that I had a close encounter, more like a crash-and-burn encounter, of the progress report kind. It came, and it was bad. Uncannily bad. As I'm getting a talk from my mother I'm very confused, and in turn very pissed off. Most stuff was ok, or at least suspected, but my gym teacher gave me a D and my religion teacher a C+. It was one of those what the fuck?! moments. Problem is I can't sort all this out until I get back, so now I'm going to have that hanging over my head the entire break, so again, this is all bad.

My dad's going to be pissed most likely, when he gets back anyway, cause this sort of shit doesn't happen, like since ever. My mom was really nice about it though. And after all this mini-crisis bullshit, I started to think about how much being a person really does suck. Existing in and of itself is a burden. And think about it, why does any living organism strive to live? Because they don't know what happens when you die. Its the basic fear of the unknown. If one knew what happened when they'd die, would we really have much to live for? I dunno. I should stop thinking, because you see the kind of shit that it produces.

Bleh. I want to sleep, but its only 5:30 something... Sorry about all this. Today was just me getting all of my bad vibes back, and I doubt any of you cared to read all that. Perhaps tomorrow I can be funny again...

Cowboys hate school. They feed progress reports to their trusty steeds.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 5:27 PM [+] ::
...

Rawr. Today was crazy. One of my friends was sad, so in turn I was sad. In addition, I'm going to NFL (biggest forensics tournament just anyone can go to) in an event I've only done ONCE. What was my coach thinking. I dunno. Grr. I know I'm going to suck, I'm just worried about how much...

And then there was the pants ordeal. I came home, and took off my uniform because it was wet from rain and I hate it to start with. Only I couldn't find any pants. I spent 15 minutes wandering around in boxers and a t-shirt looking everywhere for pants! I finally found some, and it was good. Pants are good.

Then I realized how much I dispise Xanga, so I decided to bitch about it in rant form. Read that. You'll be informed and enlightened.

Lastly, today, I felt like buddah. It was the shit. I was sitting on a table in science all cross-legged and stuff, and someone came to ask me something. I answered the question all calm like, they understood and then they left. The exchange had buddah written all over it. Now, if only my buddah-ness would enlighten me as to how buddah is REALLY spelled... that would be good.

If you see a cowboy walking down the street, kill him;
For he is a false cowboy.
The real cowboy lies within.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:18 PM [+] ::
...

I said godamn. I haven't updated the ol' blogo in a while so here goes.

I'll start with some more administration complaining. In their infinate wisdom, the admin decides to put crosses with inspirational mottos on them on everyone's locker. I rip mine off, and stick it on my atheist friend's locker. It was a joke, funny. Ha ha. Anyhoo, to retort, he turns it upside down, along with the one that was there in the first place. Right? Right. So after school, he gets yelled at by a teacher! WTF! They put the god damn things on our locker, if they didn't want us to mess with 'em don't give them to us!!! I hate these people.

Next, I saw some movies over the weekend. Anger Management, which I mentioned earlier. See this movie with your parents. Its funny with slapstick and whatnot, but still semi-appropriate. The OTHER movie I saw yesterday was Pulp Fiction. One of my all time favorite works of film. Don't see this with your parents. There is so much wrong crap in here I'm not even going to list it. It's the kinda movie that has you cursing at any given thing. "Fuck you table! I said fuck you!" Like that. So just watch your mouth when its over. You'd be surprised how easilly the brain is influenced after 2 hours and 30 minutes of Quentin Terintino. Yep. I think that's about it. I need some free time to get my projects going again. Stupid school ruining my creative career.

"Well what'do they call a Cowboy in France?"
"Hey man, a Cowboy's a Cowboy. Except there they call it 'Le Cowboy'."
"Le Cowboy. I like the sound of that..."
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:14 PM [+] ::
...

Today was a cool day. School was crappy as usual. My English class reminded me (once again) that I can't spell for beans. It's just not something that comes to me. Damn them. After that though I came home and made you all something really cool. Remember on March 27 the whole thing with my pictures of guns and so on? Well I finally got those up. They're on brak-sign, or if you want to access them direct, they're right here.

Aside from that, I went to see a movie with my friend. We say Anger Management, and it was pretty funny. In addition, before that I was wandering through target and I met the coolest kid. I was looking at action figures like I normally do, and all of a sudden this kid maybe a year younger then me comes running down the aisle, totally psyched about something. He stops right next to the action figures and looks at them and says their names and stuff and he was so excited. It was like somebody poured good vibes right into his head or something he was so happy. I beamed for a moment and then moved on. Ok, after the movie then, I met the weirdest people. They were probably my age, sitting in a Starbucks, at 9:40, sipping frapachinos. Wearing Rockhurst shirts. Unless you're local that last bit won't make sense. But still! It's a friday night! I saw a movie with my very nice and attractive friend, and what did they do? Frappachinos. Bleh, it's like coffee for wimps.

In addition, a friend of mine and myself are looking into buying a domain name! Another friend and myself are also looking to start an online comic. I'm pumped. Enjoy the pictures, I'm going to go eat some chips.

Cowboys spell the word frapachino wrong out of blatent disrespect.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:49 PM [+] ::
...

Today was the weirdest/crappiest day ever.

1. I had to give an extemp. speech. 30 minutes to prep and memorize a 7 min. speech on a topic you don't know until you start. It was insane, but my mad skillz helped me to prevail... kindof. It went better then I expected it to. Of course it went good, all the signs were in place. I got dressed in the dark again this morning and it turns out I put on my favoite pair of boxers! (Yes, I do have a favorite pair damnit) Plus I had my lucky euro with me, and I had cold pizza for lunch with just enough change for a soda! Damn right my speech went good. All my good vibes finally paid off ^_^

2. We discted grasshoppers in biology. it was nasty. I almost made my uniform polo into an "Ento-Humanist" statement right there. Why do we feel the need to cut things up when we have diagrams and pictures and so on from people who've already done this? Bleh. I just don't get it.

3. My mom sewed the button back onto my cargo pants. I've been wearing these pants w/o a button for almost half a year now. They fell off once in a while, but at least they were clean. Now they have a button. Its awesome.

4. I was watching Pokemon today, (don't ask, I was still traumatized by the grasshopper incident) and there was this cowboy rancher dude named Ethan. I laughed my ass off, it was so funny. ETHAN!! ha ha.

5. I have no idea why I'm numbering this list.

6. I'm going to see a film of sorts this friday. Get excited.

7. I've got a plan to show up my religion teacher with some super-ultra clash on her radical anti-war views. I know you don't care, but are you taking the time to write this? ...didn't think so.

So that's about it. Anything else you'll just have to make up, because it didn't really happen. Or did it? Ask your god, maybe he knows.

Ethan is a Cowboy!
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:09 PM [+] ::
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Ha ha! What a great day, for a number of reasons! Lets talk about them being as though you have nothing better to do rather then read my stupid blog! Before we start though, I'll have you know I typed this entire entry while at the same time testing my m4d 5|<1LLz by balencing a paper weight on my head...

1. Shower- I was taking my shower today and I accidentally steped on the thing that makes the tub stop draining if you want to take a bath. Except I wanted to take a shower, and its really annoying to be standing in 3 inches of luke-warm water while taking a shower. So what did I do? Just like it was no big deal I pulled the thing back up using my big toe, without looking or anything. It was totally cool.
   
   
2. Zelda- I played an ass-load of Zelda today and it was totally sweet. I got real far and didn't have to use the little guide thingy I bought which always makes we feel good.
   
   
3. Bandits- I got one of my all-time favorite movies on tape today, Bandits. Not only is it cool, but its also funny and semi-meaningful as well.
   
   
4. Ninja Moves- I pulled a killer ninja move today. Nobody was home and I had my window open. I was going into my room, and the door had blown almost closed so I kicked it open. Later the wind tried to blow it closed when I was walking out, and I stopped it with the heel of my hand. It was awesome.
   

So that's my totally awesome day. Tomorrow I might begin editing on Donkey Basketball: The Movie

Ninjas are mammals, and Cowboys are TOTALLY SWEET.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:03 AM [+] ::
...

OK, hello for the second time to day... in essance. I typed this up 5 minutes ago and it got deleted by my clumsy mousing, so lets try this dance again.

Its spring, which means warmer weather. This means that my room, the addition to the house, heats up like an oven. Litterally. Now, lets delve further into my sad little life while I inform you of the fact that the chair I sit in at the computer is made of a leather-like material. Now this puppy warms up an exponential amount by just sitting in it; couple that with the increased heat and what do you get? Me not wearing pants at the computer for the past week. No kidding. I just can't sit at the computer for long periods with pants on, it gets to warm. I've found it to be freakishly body-heat efficient, and I can't say my family agrees, but hey, what are you gonna do?

Next up is the recent email I revieved. It was entitled "New Spring Fashions at Target.com". Now I know I go to Target a lot, so it shouldn't surprise me that they some how found my E-Mail address, but they must have missed that whole gender thing. I mean really, if it had said "Risque Action Movies and Dangerous Sharp Weapons at Target.com" that might be something I'd click on, but geez, spring fashion? I can't remember ever checking to see if I was "fashionable" before walking out of the house. It's still debateable as to whether this is good or bad, but I like to refer to myself as a work in progress.

Lastly, Operation: Donkey Freedom is tonight, so wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

Cowboys love donkeys, they don't ride them.
OR AT LEAST THEY DON'T RIDE THEM WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL!
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 5:37 PM [+] ::
...

Hey hey everyone! What's up? Sorry I've been gone so long. Being a Nazi takes work ;) (Remember kids, I'm not really a Nazi. Hell I'm not even aryan.) Anyhoo, I got the movie thing good to go, so here you are:

Episode One in the Search for the Crappiest Movie Ever

First lets go the stuff I had to sift through to find the true crap:

• Dangerous Minds
  -This movie opened with Coolio's "Gangsta's Prardise"... Even I have limits...
  
• Autopsy Show
  -I wanted a crappy movie. This wasn't a movie. but it did have corpses, and scalpels.... yuck.
  
• Turbulence
  -I watched this movie for maybe 15 minutes, and it was acutally good. Becuase it was OVER!!! I could have made a better movie then this in my garage, and at least mine would have had real actors.
  
• Ocean's 11
  -This movie is the shit, not shity.
  
• Albino Aligator
  -The list stops here
  

I finally game across Albino Aligator. If anything was going to suck, it was going to be this. I picked up about 20 minutes into the movie, that's pretty early, right? Not with this gem. I had no idea wtf was going on. There was this bitchy cop yelling at people like a lot. It got to the point where I'm just like "Shut up you stupid cop!" Then the camera cut to inside this bar place. These 2 guys in there were taking all the bar patrons hostage or something, and they yelled a lot too.

After more cop yelling and more bad-guy yelling, the old bar tender dude pulls a shotgun out from under the bar and starts shooting at the bad dudes. It was cool until he got his head bashed in. Yuck. So after that, the 2 bad guys have this hurt friend they musta brought with them. He wakes up, and the first thing they do is stick a cigarette in his mouth and light it. I was confused. Next I came to the sudden observation that "Leo" from the West Wing was a bar patron dude, and so was Aragorn from LotR! Then I started wondering why they were acting in this piece of shit movie.

Next there was this odd sequence where everyone took turns using the bathroom, and they all gave themselves little pep-talks in the mirror. Same camera angle and everything. Whatever. Then they show the reporter people interviewing the cop from the beginning. Suddenly out of nowhere the guy starts cursing out of his teeth like there's no tomorrow! He did it so the news people couldn't use the footage and would go away, but still, what an ass!

Finally it's explained to us the meaning of the title of the movie, Albino Aligator. To this day I will never understand the signifigance of the stupid little anecdote to this outrageously bad film. That went on with the same shit FOREVER. And in addition to that, the ending SUCKED. Just like this whole movie. I hated the characters, the plot was weak, and I don't even remember what the soundtrack was like, but I'm sure it was bad too. Past all this though, I did keep me interested until the end, so this can't be THE crappiest movie ever... lo, the search continues...


Now, back to normal stuff. I really wanted to type this entry, but my sister brought me a bowl of popcorn, and I really like popcorn. But you can't eat it and type at the same time, because your fingers get all greasy. What did I do? I didn't use my hands. I ate the popcorn like a cat eats catfood. It was both horribly disgusting, and astonishingly efficient. I think I'll do it more often.

Kevin Spacy (Director of Albino Aligator) if most definatly NOT a Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 4:37 PM [+] ::
...

Well, after being labled a neo-nazi-potential-school-shooter I think just about anything would sound good. You were wrong. Tonight I'm going in search of THE crappiest movie ever. And knowing me I'll be able to find it. That is if I can sift through the 40 channels of after-10-oclock HBO porn. -no feat for a mere mortal.

I feel bad because as of late my life has been like this: school-homework-zelda-sleep. No time for makin some funny on the blog, but I'm going to make that up to you with my review of the crappiest movie ever. That should be worth some laughs... right? Shit, don't answer that, I'll have the next post before midnight.

--Slight Change-- I'm tired as hell, but I did watch and review a movie, so I'll have that tomorrow when I get back from congress.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:25 PM [+] ::
...

Hooo boy. Today was milestone central. While it might not have been something good, at least today was interesting. First off though, I have to give you a little back story.

When I was in gradeschool, I used to be real up tight. I did all my homework and made sure I was doing everything exactly right. Now that I look back I see that it really stunted me creativly to actually care that much about stupid ol' school. So in more recent years, I learned to relax, and that it was ok to get some stuff wrong on a test. Mind you I still care about my grades and all, but I've just learned to take all things in moderation.

Bottom line: Back in the day, I never got in trouble. Ever.

All that would change though, on the fine morning of March 27, 2003. I was just finnishing up a Geometry test, and a rather easy one at that, when the TA from the attendance office comes in and gives me a pass. A friend of mind had said recently that they asked him to be a peer-minister (catholic school crap, don't ask). We're in the same classes pretty much, and get the same grades, so I think to myself, isn't that cute, they want me to be a peer minister. As I'm leaving class though, I realize that it says "Attendance Office", not "Guidance Office" (Meaning that I'm not going to the happy fun-fun religion office, but to the very core of the evil administration itself). Crap I think, what could I have done. I haven't cursed or yelled at a teacher, or gotten into a fight, or killed anybody, so what do they want with me.

So I get there, and the Admin. guy Mr. B we'll call him, takes me back to his little concrete-box office with only one window. (Bummer I though, no wonder he's so crotchity all the time, they gave him the crappy office). So he tells me to sit down and whatever, so I do. Then he pulls out this pile of maybe 15 or so papers, unclips them, and holds up the first one. All of a sudden I see what it is, one of the drawings from my locker! (Side Note: Over the past Semester anda Half I've accumulated the weirdest collection of abstract poetry and off-the-wall drawings. I just threw everything in the locker, cause it was funny and I liked it.)

Turns out that, *by chance* the renta cop guy that patrols the halls saw one of the pictures that had me as Spike (Cowboy Bebop Guy). Of course, Spike, being a bounty hunter, has a gun, thats just what they do. Apparently this set off a red flag for the administration that I had "Armed charicatures" in my locker. What the hell? Any hoo, he goes through the WHOLE PILE and makes me explain every single one. Of course he doesn't believe me when I tell him what they are, because they're just plain weird stuff that only me and the people who gave it to me would understand. Apparently though, being that there was a gun and 2 knives in the whole stack, they think I'm going to kill some one, or like myself or something.

Lets get this straight here and now: No one on this whole planet, including myself, is worth the time and effort of purchasing a gun, and shooting the person. It's just not practical, besides, I believe in karma: everyone gets what's due to them. So why should I feel compelled to deal justice? I don't! After all that Mr. B called my dad, and then sent me to the counseler lady.

She was cool about it, she knew they were just weirdo kid jokes, and nothing else. She let me go and said nice things to me. They should make her in charge of the admin, not some old dude who's job it is is to keep girls' skirt lengths in check. Gross. Glad I don't wear skirts... to school.

In the end, I took all the pictures out of my locker, and replaced it with a single sheet of paper. A written copy of The First Amendment to the Constitusion of the United States of America, gaurenteeing me to my right to express myself in any sort of way that does not bring harm to others. According to this, I have done no wrong, so eat it school administration. You can kiss my constitusionally-sound ass otherwise. (As soon as I can get some time with the scanner, I'll have the Reasons Why I'm Mentally Unsound page up on the site so you can see the pictures.)

Aside from that we played football outside, and made fun of jocks, which is ALWAYS a good time, and then I asked my religion teacher sac-religious questions... At the end of the day my debate coach (who they dragged into the whole "Tom's a psycho killer" deal mentioned above) was super-nice to me because she knew I was a good kid and didn't do anything wrong. Yea debate coach, you rule. She also gave me a sucker, which I enjoyed immensely. To wrap all this up... damn the school administration, they're all out to opress you. But I will have my revenge... oh yes, the PETA organization is going to get a very interesting video tape soon, but I can't say much more on that here.

Big Brother is always watchin you Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 10:35 PM [+] ::
...

GRAH!!! I'M SUPER PISSED! I'd been working on this for over 3 hours this afternoon (not the logo, but the actual program) and I just figured out that I can't do what that thing was supposed to do in HTML. Like I said, I'm really mad. In addition to all that today was supposed to be Z-DAY!!! And it kinda is... I got the call and everything, but it only ships today. I can't pick it up until tomorrow. Damnit.

On top of it all one of my friends is like sick. I dunno really what's wrong with her, but she had to take Valium (hardcore prescription medicine-drug that's also like a bad-drug on the street. intense shit.). Any hoo this stuff makes her all shaky and she's kinda hyper and its all not right and I feel bad and stuff. Trying to think of something nice to do... being that I'm not a nice person though, it's not going so hot.

The only semi-good/exciting news I have today is that yesterday my backyard set on fire. I'm not kidding either. One of the embers form my dad's grill flew out into the yard and landed in such a place with so much wind that my yard set on fire. We put it out with an extinguisher... but now theres a big 6-foot-in-diameter black scorch mark in my yard. It's totally the shit.

Only you can prevent forrest fires Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 7:28 PM [+] ::
...

Wow. Takes a while to get back into the swing of things. But guess what happened today!? I went to the airport with my dad to drop off my grandma and I got Alfred back!! Yea! I'm so happy. Woo. Happy.

While I was at the airport though, I noticed a few things. Like on the luggage carosel, how they have those little signs that say "Many Bags Look Alike. Check Tags." Well its true. I pulled 3 bags off that thing that weren't even mine, and I felt like and idiot. After checking the tags. So after I do this a thrid time, my sister, of all people, walks up to me and says, really loud by the way, "MANY BAGS DO LOOK ALIKE. DON'T THEY TOM? WHY DON'T YOU CHECK THE TAGS!" I almost died laughing. So yeah, that was my little nostalgic moment.

Last night I went some places, and it was bitchin. At target I wasted 30 minutes of my life playing the same Zelda: Wind Waker demo over and over and over. The real version comes out tomorrow, so I figured I should get some practice in. Yea! Tomorrow is Z-Day. After that I went to Dick's Sporting Goods (Don't ask about the name... I honestly don't know....). There I looked at guns. Not real guns, but pellet guns, which only shoot plastic bits, but look every bit as cool. They're kinda pricy, but I'm gonna save my mon-ay. And then there were the real guns, like pump-action shotguns. They were cool too, but the clerk behind the desk wouldn't let me test one. Stupid fuck.

When I was done with my criminalistic fantasy raid of the sporting goods store, we went to a book store. My family hits on all the exreams. There I picked up some Cowboy Bebop Manga. This stuff is awesome. To start, all TokyoPop manga is published in real Japanese Graphic Novel Style. Backwards. The book's cover is on the back, and the pages go right-to-left. They still read top to bottom on each page, but it right-to-left again when you're going from frame to frame. Aside from that it was more Bebop stories so I was grossly pleased. In addition though, the guy who rang us up at the book place was as big of a fanboy as me. He said that he doesn't think Spike is- holy crap. Almost had a huge spoiler there. He basically said they might try and make a sequel series to Bebop, or spin-offs about the characters individually. But the real gem in this conversation was that Cowboy Bebop: The Movie might come to Ward Parkway in KC!!! (Close to where I live). So now I'm really SUPER excited.

All that being said, life is good. Even if those stupid airport ladies make fun of me for wanting to get my cat back. If you wenches are reading this, I love my freakin cat, so eat me.

Check your tags Cowboy.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 12:47 PM [+] ::
...

Salt Lake City: Land of the Mormons

Well, vacation started out interestingly enough. We almost missed the plane when my dad's car's tire almost caught on fire. So we turned around, switched cars, and then drove like no other to the airport. Luckilly we made it there in time. After checking the bags and getting on the plane and stuff, we took off. I haven't been on a plane in a while so I'm kind of enjoying this. I get a drink and snacks and everything is cool. Then, out of no where, my sister pulls a bag of Chick's and Rabits out of her backpack! Of course then I feel compeled to eat some, so I do. As you may know, I have a clinical addiction to these things, so I ended up eating more than 1/2 a bag. Yum. After getting all excited over the new design of the Coke can though, we had to switch planes in Albaquerqe, New Mexico.

I'll start by saying I've only seen ABQ's airport, but I love this city. It's so totally cool, all Mexico-America fusion like and stuff. You can buy a burrito and a hot dog at the same stand. Needless to say, I had quite a good time. But it was the promptly ruined by this chick on her cell phone. She pulls it out and is all "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THIS IS A BAD CONNECTION! CAN'T YOU HEAR THE STATIC? WHAT?! YOU DON'T HEAR THE STATIC?!" And about then I'm getting pretty pissed. So I walk up to my parents, who can hear her from the other end of the terminal-thing, and I ask them if they can hear the static. After the lady hung up her stupid phone I walked over and in my most polite voice asked her if SHE could hear the static. Then I walked away. Albaquerqe rocks.

Now, the plane ride to Salt Lake City was even more exciting. I'm eating my second bag of airplane-issue Wheat Thins, when I start to ponder something I've been wondering for a long time. After repeated times throwing the Wheat Thin at the chair in front of me I was graced with The Wheat Thin Revelation. It basically states that the reason things don't fly back and hit you in the face when you throw them inside vehichles moving at high velocities (IE: Me throwing wheat thins at people in an air plane) is because in order for them to fly back and hit you, they'd have to come to a complete stop. Being that they're moving at the same speed as the airplane the 2 seconds they spend in the air are not enough for them to slow down. That's why wheat thins hit people on cell phones on the back of the head even in airplanes. I thought it was interesting...

Any-hoo we finally got to the hotel in SLC. This hotel was bitchin. There were only really crappy concrete stairs... because anytime you wanted to go up you used one of their three high-speed elevators! It was awesome. Plus they had free breakfast where the cook dudes would make eggs any way you want them, and you got all kindsa other fun breakfast food-stuffs. Good stuff. One night me and my sister decided to make good use of the key my parents let us share, and the 4 dollars we each had in change.

That's right, [MISSION IMPOSSIBLE MUSIC CUES] secret agent in the hotel! We took the walkie-talkies from the suit case, and ran around different floors, played in the elevators, called eachother by cool code names, and left vending-machine-food in weird places for the other person to pick up. I felt totally kid-like, but also mondo-cool. Word.

The room we had was all weirdo, so my parents got one of the double beds, and my sister got the other. Me? I slept on the fold out couch in the 1/2 of the room with the TV. I'm surprised I slept at all. I watched a ton of weird movies, which I'll briefly outline here:

• Strange Chess Movie- Old-Timey chess master guy goes mental at the chess championship and can only get better by giving up chess. Sad and good and I still dunno the name.
  
  
• Striking Distance- Bruce Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker are waterfront boat cops, Bruce has a troubled past as a homicide cop and Sarah is an undercover agent. Good shit, if you can follow Bruces past and remember who all of his seemingly endless supply of cop cousins are. Plus Sarah Jessica Parker gets in a diver suit. I don't think I need to say anything else.
  
  
• The Heist- Pierce Brosnan and Tom Skerritt duke it out theive-style for some chick and a whole lotta money. Had Jags in it, plus it was all "Ha Ha I got you" at the end. I love theif movies... they're so... bad.
  
  
• The Big Hit- Bleh. What a crappy moive. I hated this one. Marky-Mark Whallburg is both an idiot and a whould-be bad ass in this flick. In one scene he uses the word "bizz-nazz". I almost puked right there. At the end though, he was all ass-kickin and such. I was confused, and the over-all lack of plot was... well, to be honest, not surprising. But Christina Applegate was in it... yeah. Like I said, plotless.
  
  
• Clue- I only saw the end of this one, but Tim Curry is a god. Plus this movie is cool in a weird sorta way. Basically its a game of clue only movie-ized. At the end though, there's a killer twist that makes it better than just "another movie about a board game". And we all know how well "Guess Who!" the movie turned out...
  
  

So, after a lot of TV, lets talk about SLC. What an cool city. They have light rail, which makes me jealous, and mountains, which just isn't fair. The weird part is that in KC, the clouds are just like all high up there and stuff; but in Salt Lake the mountains punch right through the clouds. I was kinda in shock... I need to get out more. Also, why is it that every other city besides the one you live in has a good radio station?! That's a question I doubt I'll ever be able to answer. They've got a ton of public storage places along the highway too... weirdo mormans...

Moving on to the whole war deal. I'm sitting on the very uncomfortable fold out couch bed not wanting to get up when my mom says from the other room" "What?! We're going to war?!" I got up after that. Damn Bush. He almost started a God Damn War when I was on an airplane. I have no more respect for that ass hole. Grr.

On the way out of SLC we stoped for gas. Across the street there was a KFC. The funny thing was though, that the giant bucket on top of the store was dented. How the hell does something like that happen? I dunno either. After that though we sat and waited in the airport for the plane that was gonna take us home. While we waited I messed up my Rubik's cube even more, so I was pissed. In my anger I ran rather hastilly to the boarding line... forgetting Alfred.

Alfred was a small black cat with a red ribbon. If you put batteries in him he'd walk around and meow. I bought him at some close-out store in downtown SLC. I forgot him at the stupid airport. By the time I remembered the plane was already on the run way. I almost cried. I felt so bad. Poor little Alfred sitting all alone at SLC Int'l because I was pissed at my cube.

Talk about a downer. Luckilly though, when I got back to KCI I went to talk to the baggage office. They called back to the airport and he was OK!!! I was so incredibly happy! They're gonna mail him back to KC and I just have to go pick him up. Totally happy and good vibes to everyone. It was a totally excellent vacation. Oh yeah, and we skiied some too.

Once again Cowboy, the cube is the root of all evil.
:: As was prophesized by Tom at 8:17 PM [+] ::
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